Live-laugh-love

It’ll be screwed if this kid turns out like his father.

Worried.

There’s this thing about life that keeps everyone on the edge of their seats and this problem, maybe a blessing too, either way I ain’t too sure, is what they call unpredictability or the mystery of life.

A couple of weeks back, I’m sitting at the back of somebody’s car and the next thing I know is I’m attending his funeral tomorrow. I decided to do a mental check on my list;

Faith…………………… checked.
Mental strength…… checked.
Courage……………… checked.
Hope………………….. checked.

And despite that I got everything in place, it seemed that the fucking year never get any better for anybody. It’s one thing for someone’s uncle or auntie to pass on, or maybe even an good friend. But it’s a different thing when God decides to take away your own father, the one who crawled to work every morning for you to get you an education so your future would be so much better. I don’t know how my dear girl is going to handle the situation she is in; all I know is the next few days, maybe weeks, maybe months are going to be the most difficult, and nobody else can help her but herself.

I question God a lot, that in these few months, he hasn’t failed to make any of the closest people to cry. One is on the brink of suicide, a few broke off with long term relationships, one has her mum in the hospital, the other had her grandma passed away, and now this. I myself is in a great dilemma- thinking I have more or less moved on, and for no apparent reasons, the nightmares are back and keeping me tired for my morning shifts at Shangri-la. I’m trying to take care of myself, and though sometimes I wish a second person would ease my pain, I realised it’s been hard to put complete commitment to anybody anymore, and it’s because in a point in time, I gave my whole trust to a person who changed his mind and broke that trust completely. And also because in the situation that I am in right now, nobody would take responsibility for something another did- could anyone accept me for my whole being? Oh sure, I’m over him, and I have decided I will leave the pieces he broke on the floor, get a new life and move on. But it seems that life isn’t letting me off too easily is it?

My mental checklist is still as it is- I have faith in God, a strong mental strength, a courage so enormous, and hope that the future would be better. Today, I do have my doubts, and I hope God clears it for me soon.

Should I tell him the situation right now? A great deal of me keeps nagging me not to, after what all that had happened. But there’s a small part of me that vulnerable and helpless, and hoping that maybe there could be someone that would share the responsibility.

I know when it comes to matters like these, what had happened once should never happen twice, but unfortunately, right now this is twice. However, I know that whatever happens, I’m never going to make the same previous decision. Oh, somehow, there’s a glow growing inside me, and I know how tough this is going to be, I’ll end up the happiest person.

You know how simple things like this can somehow dig up your supressed emotions and make you rekindle those feelings? This boy is a very very wise kid- he made me cry.

1) Every minute of my off day is precious, so I’m using this very minute to blog.
2) Today is one of those days I’m allowed to ask my mum to massage my head and feet.
3) Reminiscing back to the time when I had more energy than this.
4) Dreading going to work on Friday.
5) Counting down to end of attachment, which is 126 more days.
6) Wondering if I should invest in expensive BUT really good comfort shoes, or tahan for 5 months.
7) Questioning myself why Shangri-la got noooo attractive guys at all.
Or at least why those after me in Shangri-la are not handsome at all.
9) Am I growing fat?
10) Missing the girls.
11) Missing Zi, Herman and Chit.
12) Missing my classmates toooooooooooooooooooo….
13) Looking forward to a weekend off day. More people to hang out with.
14) Contemplating of asking off on the 17th.
15) I wanna take care of those kids.
16) Should I do log book later?
17) I want my first month pay NOW.
18) I think I should spend more time with my dad. And my mum. Note to self: first pay- family dinner.
19) I should get back to prayer life.
20) I do believe that GOD IS GREAT.

This post reflects the opinions of the blogger and shall not be deemed as a fact (although the blogger believes firmly in them). It also does not refer to ALL the guys in the world, but specifically to the guys in the clubs (although the blogger firmly believes that the 5 golden rules actually refers to 3/4 of the guys population).

I’m not a hardcore clubber, unlike some friends that I have, and honestly, I don’t think I had stepped into enough clubs to comment on which are the really good ones. But I’ve been to clubs frequent enough to realize the 5 golden rules to take note of:-

1) Guys in the clubs are simply there to look for sex, or to look for relationships that would end up in sex in the short run.
I hate to admit it, but guys- their brains are in their dicks.

2) Wanna chill out?, Can I buy you a drink? = Wanna have sex later?
In the recent club that I went to, a guy came up to me and asked if I wanna “chill out” with the DJs from Bangkok, the guest DJs who played for the event at the club. I was like, “Woah, why not man!” and I tagged along with the idiot, bringing along Zi and Trudy with me. I lost Trudy on the way, as she went to let Huiyun know where we were going, and I don’t know how I lost track of Zi. This random guy was holding my hand so tightly, and then he brought me to this freaking FAAAAAAT bastard who was sitting at the corner (one of the DJs!) and said, “This is blah blah, just keep him company for me for a while alright. Oh please, don’t give it to him at all, girl, gotta wait for me. You’re with me.” I stood there, confused and not knowing what to do. When I saw Zi, I took his hand and left. In conclusion: Guys not only have their brains in their dicks; they are dicks themselves.

3) Some guys pretend to be drunk in order to touch you.
A (random name), a supposedly soon-to-be boyfriend of a friend I shall not mention who, decided to send us home in a cab (his soon-to-be girlfriend left early). Trudy and I was like, “Ahhh, such a gentleman. Definitely a good boyfriend for this friend.” We must have jinxed it or something, because less than halfway through the darn journey, he started to poke my thighs, and before I know it he was running his hand down my leg. I would have broken that damn finger, if only he didn’t suddenly entertwine his fingers with mine. He’s like, “I wanna vomit, but I’m alright.” He rested his head on my shoulders and tried to f**king kiss me. I took a plastic bag from the taxi driver and shove his big f**king head in it while saying, “HERE, VOMIT YOUR HEART OUT HERE.” Drunk, sure, that’s a reason for you to start talking crap, but definitely no reason for your hands to stray. And to take note, how many glasses did he have? 3? 4? High, maybe, but definitely not drunk. In conclusion: Guys are not only dicks who have their brains in their dicks; the brain in their dicks are pretty small too. He’s not having any girlfriend from my circle anytime soon.

4) Some girls in clubs are catty.
Hate to admit this too, but some girls out there, they don’t like you having your eyes on the guys they have their eyes on. They give you that evil stare and out come their palms with Wolverine’s claws. Trust me, they don’t like you invading their area as well. Tsk. Next thing you know, you’re going home with bruises you never even realized were there. THEY ARE POWERFUL. Conclusion: These girls are cunning, they got bigger brains than that of the guys.

5) Now that I’ve mentioned the first 4 rules, there’s a whole lot of reasons to get pissed the next day, to break up with a lifelong partner, to not come to work at all. But I think these reasons are pretty much mundane- after all, there’s hardly anyone who goes to a club and not do anything stupid or at the very least, THINK of doing something stupid. So  I guess the most important rule of all- What happens in the club, stays in the club. After all, the next day, the perfect defence as to why you did something really dumb would be, “I was drunk, I can’t remember.”

I hardly think I’m entering a club again. I realized that many things have changed, and pretty much the way I think and react have changed majorly. On a different note, attachment starts tomorrow. I’m sooooooooooooooooooo anxious!

I’m getting a headstart; honestly, I feel the move. I think writing has been pretty therapeutic for me, and the fact that there has been a tremendous amount of support. I’d love to move to another country, probably Australia, to start anew, with a serene environment, new social circles, because I honestly believe that that’s the greatest way to let go and move on. But the situation right now isn’t so bad itself- I’m doing really great, and the fact that I’ve been through this much, well yea, like Ms Tan has said, I can get through anything.

In a nutshell, there’s been many changes in the past few weeks. I’m back to my busy lifestyle- working 2 to 3 times a week, hanging out with my friends a lot, and most importantly, I’m smiling more now too. I had my life planned for the next 5 years- a hotel job, probably in Shangri-la hotel if they decide to keep me after attachment, and a try out for air stewarding when I’m 21. No university plans yet- youth is important in air stewarding, so I’d like to use my youth for that benefit first. Been searching for children homes to visit and give my time, but I just realise that most volunteering needs a minimum commitment of 6 months. I’m thinking of either signing up for HOPE or the Children’s Society Association, and an addition to my options would be the Infant Jesus Home. It’s pretty hard to get started on my plans to take care of children, considering my internship is going to start next Monday. I guess I would have to see the workload of my job before I can commit any time for any other things at all. I hope something gets work out; this volunteering urge has been bugging me for a long time.

I’ve never did mention that God’s been really great and has never failed to amaze me. For all that has happened, I made it through the exam periods again- my minimum grade was only a C. And for that, I know I can always rely on him no matter what.

I haven’t blogged for quite a while, and I doubt I’ll be blogging using this URL again. But I really love the name of this blog, soooo ahh, I’ll see how it goes.

I’ve got another one, which is especially for people who knows what’s going on. So ask me if you wish to read it, I’m a dumbass because I don’t know who to make my blog private.

Watch this space. Ciao.

1) I could get engaged in 2 years time with Christian.
2) I want to get engaged but hmmm, with Christian?
3) I’m going back to the Philippines on Tuesday.
4) I’m pretty excited about going back on Tuesday. I THINK.
5) Starting attachment on the 28th Sept.
6) Already counting down to the end of the attachment on the 13th of Feb next year.
7) Today is one of those “2 steps backwards” moments.
8 ) I am really sad.
9) Miss Wang feels I’m finally “seeing the light” and doing the right thing.
10) I think I’m hurting a lot and moving utterly slowly.
11) September was supposed to be a new start for me.
12) But I realised I still can’t change the fact that it’s 2009 and it sucks.
13) But I also think that even though 2009 has been bad for a whole lot of my friends, most of them are moving on.
14) So I should just continue with whatever I’m doing.
15) I haven’t been resting properly.
16) I’ve been blogging a lot lately.
17) But NOBODY seems to comment anymore.
18) I’m going to miss Ben and Jerry’s Chunk Fest.
19) I am craving for their ice cream NOW.
20) I haven’t slept for a day, so I’m going to sleep now.

GOOD NIGHT.

So today’s paper was a screwed up, and I haven’t slept for a day considering I stayed up at the school’s Moberly to study, which by the way wasn’t of much help at all. 12 marks gone for the ASM paper and TONNES OF BULLSHIT ANSWERS, and I decided that my brain can take no more so I left the exam room early. I know I’ve pretty much let gone a lot for this semester’s examinations. I’m not very proud of it, but I guess I’ve got all the reasons to be at the stage I am in. I thought that maybe I’m at the Acceptance stage where I can move on already, and in a matter of a couple of days, I’m a step forward and then two steps back, like PJ had described. I decided I’d come up with a list of motivations to look forward to and achieve:

1) Lose 3 kg before the 25th of Sept where my measurements for Shangri-la’s internship will be taken!
2) Do really great for Shangri-la.
3) Start mastering skating again.
4) Save for post internship holiday with classmates.
5) GET OVER ALL THE PAIN, BECAUSE IF I DON’T I CANNOT ACHIEVE THE REST.

So yea, all I need to do is that, since my exams are going to pull down my GPA by a whole lot, I need to gain it back from the internship. AND I CAN DO IT YES YES YES YES!

So anyways, guys, please go watch the Time Traveller’s Wife. It’s a story about this lady, whose husband is a time traveller. Imagine, when one moment he’s there, and the next he isn’t. He just disappears. IT’S SO TOUCHING, and yea, I guess devastating too. But you’ll be amazed at how much a person can sacrifice and tolerate for the sake of love. 3.5 outta 5. I guess  I penalized it ’cause it made me teared. GO WATCH.